No One to Help
"Could a mother forget a child who came from her own body? Even if she does forget, I will never forget you - never. See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands, your walls are ever before me; the demolition crews have been scattered. You are always in my thoughts!"
-ISAIAH 49:14-16
There is an inner knowing that most people who read that verse believe that a parent’s love is unconditional and never failing. I am here to testify that, that scripture is in the bible not just because Yahweh wanted to remind us of His love and faithfulness to us, but because He knows how deep the darkness of our hearts really is; that scripture was placed in Isaiah to remind us that while parents love their children they are still human and they will and do fail us. They may not want to, they may wish they could stop themselves, but if they are not grounded in God, if they are apart from truth and true life and love, they will fall flat on their faces with every effort of trying to love us in their own strength. My parents are a prime example of this.
My mother doesn't know what it means to love me. She may know what it means to provide for me, to spoil, give, or teach me; but she doesn't get the meaning or the action that is real love. She manipulates, lies, acts out, rebels, crafts her own design for solving her problems, and spews out venom like it were water for the thirsty. She forgot me. She left me. She might have been there when I was about to die physically, but when I died emotionally, mentally, and was dead spiritually, she gave up on me. I don't trust her.
My Dad, is a broken, weak, miserable man. He lacks leadership skills, he doesn't know how to follow through, he doesn't know how to step outside himself long enough to see the messes he makes in others lives. He walks daily a path of self-destruction that has not yet fully come to a head. He is an abuser and a punisher, most intensely on himself. He acts passive-aggressively toward everyone, and stuffs any emotion he doesn't think people want to see. He has become an egg shell walker.
I am just like them both. Their actions, their choices, their lives disappoint me like a disappoint myself. Right now, my mother makes me sick...she has turned into a desolate women with out hope and with out a horizon. My dad makes me enraged; he chooses whatever is best for him and gives a shit about those who have kept him a float. They both brake my heart, though I'm not sure how that is fully possible seeing as it's never really been whole. The truth is, both my parents didn't want me, they didn't plan me, they just wanted to feel good and to somehow heal the wounds they were both carrying; I was the consequence they didn't want to take responsibility for. I am my mother’s second child, and she has reminded me every day since I was little that my life was unplanned. There is a apart of me that is very much grateful that my older brother didn't live to see the hell our family has gone through. He among us is blessed.
Because I had been so sick in my infancy and childhood mom was never to far away for fear that dad could not handle the responsibility of taking me to the ER if the situation called for it. She didn't trust him with her secrets, she didn't trust him with her life, she didn't trust him with her emotions, but the one time she trusted him with her body she felt the sting. Life since then brought to the service her ability to shut everyone and everything out of her life, and little by little that is exactly what she has done.
She began small with her wall building; by the time it got to me and my younger brother she was getting confident of her ability to rely on herself. However, this proved to be debilitating in ways she didn't anticipate, purr her not being able to get away from us kids from time to time due to her lack of contact/trust. So her last ditch effort at trusting came on a Women's retreat weekend where she asked my dad to baby-sit while she was gone. I was four years old at the time. Her first night away both my brother and I were molested by my dad.
God said that He is our Father, and as such He always has our best interest at heart. I believe that; I know that in my deepest parts. "I will never forget you," speaks volumes to my soul, because I know no matter what when I need Him the most He has defended me to the death and won! This is what I expected of my parents, this is what I thought it meant to be a kid - that I could freely rely on my parents to protect me no matter what the cost, to love me even when it hurt, and to provide security for me even if it meant they stood alone in Faith.
This is not what I received from either of them, and it makes me want to vomit.
My mother had the chance to walk away with us two kids and find another path that God wanted her to walk. Even though she had messed up He still wanted her to strive to live for Him and He was more then willing to help and provide for her. But she let fear paralyze her. She let the need for approval dictate her every step! She had already come out of one failed miserable marriage, and one lost child to boot; there was no way in hell she was going to surrender to the Holy Spirit and admit defeat in the face of her family and herself. So at the expense of myself and my brother, she lived how she wanted...and now she is suffering for it and expects everyone around her to feel sorry and have pity. I have empathy; I love her, I have wept and still weep over her. But I refuse to have pity for someone who chooses not to pick themselves up and try.
My father had a chance to come clean. It would have meant certain unavoidable and very painfully real consequences, but it would have also meant freedom! All he knew was that for some reason the things that had been done to him he was now doing to others, and the loss of control was too much for him to cope with; and the fact that it felt good was an even harder pill to swallow. He had no way of being honest that wouldn't jeopardize his reputation, that wouldn't emotionally and mentally castrate him, so he hid. He ran. He hid himself in his workshop, in his job, in his cars, his trains. He ran from responsibility, from difficult choices, from truth! He could have hid in Jesus' arms, he could have chosen to come clean and be saved - even if it meant pushing through a "small" hell. Now, he is living in severe denial, in a world he can not escape from...he has lost all control and missed his chances to walk free. Without the help of another stronger hand, he'll never recover.
I refuse to end up like this. My life was made to glorify God Almighty! My life though unplanned by human minds, was formed by Yahweh's hands, and nit with his suture. I am not meant to chose my own path, I am not meant to ask the Potter why I'm made the way I am. He knows, He sees, He has planned in advance good works and a purpose for me alone to accomplish in His timing in His way, in His will, while by His side. My brokenness was not meant to stay that way...my brokenness was meant to be poured out as an offering. My life meant to be lived as a sacrifice of love for my Precious Yashuah. I may have an enemy, but he does NOT Have me! The Lord has me firmly and securely...and I am more convinced of that then ever! I refuse to live in the pit with those I was made to draw from it. Father show me grace that I can show it to them. Show me forgiveness that I can grant them the same. Give me favor that I can show them your words and your glory! Give me direction that I can follow without question, even in a time of testing. I love you, and you are mine regardless of what has happened. I am yours alone regardless of what has happened. You are my holy one, my Savior, my Adoni, my Abba Father, my Refuge, my Hope! Even in Your disappointment of me, you still love me the same. Even in my selfishness you chose me. I love you for who you are!
Because I had been so sick in my infancy and childhood mom was never to far away for fear that dad could not handle the responsibility of taking me to the ER if the situation called for it. She didn't trust him with her secrets, she didn't trust him with her life, she didn't trust him with her emotions, but the one time she trusted him with her body she felt the sting. Life since then brought to the service her ability to shut everyone and everything out of her life, and little by little that is exactly what she has done.
She began small with her wall building; by the time it got to me and my younger brother she was getting confident of her ability to rely on herself. However, this proved to be debilitating in ways she didn't anticipate, purr her not being able to get away from us kids from time to time due to her lack of contact/trust. So her last ditch effort at trusting came on a Women's retreat weekend where she asked my dad to baby-sit while she was gone. I was four years old at the time. Her first night away both my brother and I were molested by my dad.
God said that He is our Father, and as such He always has our best interest at heart. I believe that; I know that in my deepest parts. "I will never forget you," speaks volumes to my soul, because I know no matter what when I need Him the most He has defended me to the death and won! This is what I expected of my parents, this is what I thought it meant to be a kid - that I could freely rely on my parents to protect me no matter what the cost, to love me even when it hurt, and to provide security for me even if it meant they stood alone in Faith.
This is not what I received from either of them, and it makes me want to vomit.
My mother had the chance to walk away with us two kids and find another path that God wanted her to walk. Even though she had messed up He still wanted her to strive to live for Him and He was more then willing to help and provide for her. But she let fear paralyze her. She let the need for approval dictate her every step! She had already come out of one failed miserable marriage, and one lost child to boot; there was no way in hell she was going to surrender to the Holy Spirit and admit defeat in the face of her family and herself. So at the expense of myself and my brother, she lived how she wanted...and now she is suffering for it and expects everyone around her to feel sorry and have pity. I have empathy; I love her, I have wept and still weep over her. But I refuse to have pity for someone who chooses not to pick themselves up and try.
My father had a chance to come clean. It would have meant certain unavoidable and very painfully real consequences, but it would have also meant freedom! All he knew was that for some reason the things that had been done to him he was now doing to others, and the loss of control was too much for him to cope with; and the fact that it felt good was an even harder pill to swallow. He had no way of being honest that wouldn't jeopardize his reputation, that wouldn't emotionally and mentally castrate him, so he hid. He ran. He hid himself in his workshop, in his job, in his cars, his trains. He ran from responsibility, from difficult choices, from truth! He could have hid in Jesus' arms, he could have chosen to come clean and be saved - even if it meant pushing through a "small" hell. Now, he is living in severe denial, in a world he can not escape from...he has lost all control and missed his chances to walk free. Without the help of another stronger hand, he'll never recover.
I refuse to end up like this. My life was made to glorify God Almighty! My life though unplanned by human minds, was formed by Yahweh's hands, and nit with his suture. I am not meant to chose my own path, I am not meant to ask the Potter why I'm made the way I am. He knows, He sees, He has planned in advance good works and a purpose for me alone to accomplish in His timing in His way, in His will, while by His side. My brokenness was not meant to stay that way...my brokenness was meant to be poured out as an offering. My life meant to be lived as a sacrifice of love for my Precious Yashuah. I may have an enemy, but he does NOT Have me! The Lord has me firmly and securely...and I am more convinced of that then ever! I refuse to live in the pit with those I was made to draw from it. Father show me grace that I can show it to them. Show me forgiveness that I can grant them the same. Give me favor that I can show them your words and your glory! Give me direction that I can follow without question, even in a time of testing. I love you, and you are mine regardless of what has happened. I am yours alone regardless of what has happened. You are my holy one, my Savior, my Adoni, my Abba Father, my Refuge, my Hope! Even in Your disappointment of me, you still love me the same. Even in my selfishness you chose me. I love you for who you are!
...more to come.
posted by Spoken For at 2:08 PM
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